Avatar: The Last Airbender

The day of reckoning has come. Will the sky be turned blood-red as we watch our world go up in flames, or will the sky glow blue as we cheer in victory? This day was foretold, perhaps not this soon, but it was foretold! The day has arrived; M. Night Shyamalan's The Last Airbender, has arrived.

 GEEKASM!!!!!!1

I'll say this much: I loved the original show. Loved it. It's perhaps my favorite television show of all time, and is one of several things, including Star Wars, Terminator, and Harry Potter that I insist everyone experience. And everyone that I have shown it to has gotten into it. Except my cat. My cat did not mind that much.

In case you're unfamiliar, the show is a Nickelodeon cartoon about a 12-year old boy...alright, seriously, I'm being serious, just stick with me. The show takes place in a world where every nation controls one of the four elements (water, earth, fire, and air) and follows Aang, a 12-year old boy who must fulfill his role as the Avatar, a guardian of the whole world, by defeating the ruthless Fire Nation. The twist? Aang has been frozen for 100 years, thus giving the Fire Nation a pretty good start on taking over the whole world. Add on to that a determined prince attempting to capture Aang, and you have one of the simplest, and best, plots of anything in this past decade.

Simply put, the show kicks ass. Major ass. The animation is spectacular, the plot is a fantasy with a timeless feel, the humor is enough to keep even adults smiling, and the fight sequences are absolutely beautiful. Again, this is one of the greatest TV shows of all time, no doubt.

And everything that's great deserves drinking!

After all, why just enjoy something when you could enjoy it with alcohol?

Let's all act 21 around a show for kids!

 Get ready to liver bend!

Now, the drinking game for this show is more like the Plan 9 game; everyone playing chooses a different character that they will drink for. Once chosen, players drink only to their appropriate moment. Now, let the games begin!

Aang (the Avatar/Last Airbender, and the main protagonist):
Drink every time that he breaks stuff or enters the Avatar State.

Katara (Waterbender, and one of Aang's loyal friends)
Drink every time that she talks about hope or friendship or love or her mother.

Sokka (Katara's brother, fierce warrior, comic relief)
Every time that the universe screws him over, or that he mentions food.

Zuko (Fire Nation prince and Aang's nemesis)
Every time that he uses the word "honor," "Avatar," "father," or "uncle."

Iroh (Zuko's Uncle/the Mr. Miyagi of the series)
Any time that he is awesome. You are dying of alcohol poisoning.
Or, seriously, if he mentions tea or kicks someone's ass.

Toph (Earthbender who teams up with Aang; comes later, so this is only valid for Seasons 2 and 3)
Anytime a blind reference is made. By anyone.

Momo and Appa (Aang's pet lemur and flying bison (seriously), respectively)
Anytime that Momo steals or nabs something or we see a close up of his eyes. For Appa, every time that he growls.

Finally, a requirement for everyone.
Drink anytime that something happens to your character that just makes you go "OUCH!" And yes, Aang, you do have to drink at the start of every episode.

I'm actually pretty excited for Shyamalan's film. I have the feeling that critics won't love it so much, but who cares? They hated the A-Team. (Like, the writing and plot weren't great film-making there, but I had fun...and that's what matters). So I am going to go, and I will enjoy this film. And if I don't, I will go back home and rewatch the original cartoon with my friends. And get plastered while doing so. To forget.

Have a good night, and remember that I believe that Glasses Shots can save the world.

I don't need any calming shots! I need to capture the Avatar!

Blade Runner

In the year 2019, Earth enters a really weird and messed-up, yet shockingly realistic, time. A time in which the rain never stops, robots can almost perfectly pass for humans, and Harrison Ford narrates in an intentionally drab and dull voice. Yes, skin-jobs, it's time to kick a couple back and watch Ridley Scott's Blade Runner.

 Classic, iconic poster...

The film is an odd and intriguing combination of film-noir and science-fiction. A detective story set in the distant future (or at least, distant for the film's release year, 1982...nowadays, 2019 seems right around the corner). Rick Deckard is a retired blade runner (basically a cool futurey term for a cop) who is called back on when several androids, known as replicants, infiltrate Earth. Deckard's mission is to find these potentially dangerous individuals and put them into their own retirement. Meanwhile, we watch as the replicants slowly reveal why they came to Earth in the first place. It taps perfectly into its film genres; the mystery and personal examination of Ford's Deckard perfectly mirrors the introverted minds of your typical Humphrey Bogart. On the other hand, the so-obscure-that-they-couldn't-have-any-practical-application-to-us-and-yet-why-can-I-identify-with-these-themes-so-much nature brings to mind some of the greatest science fiction, such as the works of Asimov or Scott Card.

Also, Harrison Ford drinks. A lot.

Which brings us to the actual point of this blog: drinking! And how it can make movies so much more entertaining!

 This is one, er, shot that many people will recognize. George Lucas stole it for the Star Wars prequels.

Now, one of the problems that you might encounter with getting your hands on and enjoying this film is just how many versions there are. It essentially boils down to two: the original theatrical cut, and the director's cut. However, these two movies are so so so different, that many consider them different movies. Now, I've only seen the theatrical cut, and as I understand, it is best to watch that one first, and then see the director's version. Or maybe it was the other way round?...Hell, let's just get out hands on a copy and drink.

There is one constant between the films, though: Deckard's drinking.

And thus, the rule is as follows:

WHEN HARRISON FORD DRINKS, YOU DRINK

For added rules, take a shot every time that Harrison Ford monologues (theatrical version only), every time that Gaff makes an origami animal, and every time that Roy Batty kisses someone. Smmmmooooooch.

But seriously, you'll be fine with just the first one.

Recommended drink: Whatever you can find around the house. Or maybe some more sake. After all, everything is Japanese in the future.

Enjoy drinking! And if you start seeing things, like, say, a tortoise walking across your floor...don't flip it upside down. It won't like that. Plus, humans wouldn't do that.

The only thing I let interrupt my eating is drinking...and lots of it!

The Karate Kid

The remake of "The Karate Kid" hits theaters today. And unfortunately, you're not allowed to bring alcohol into a movie theater. If you were, though, you could take a shot for every time that the new version is outdone by the original, or for every moment that the karate and fights look completely choreographed. Hell, you can just play it by watching the trailer, and you would still at least get buzzed.

Still, I'm always one for finding an excuse to rewatch a classic film, and so that is why I recommend watching the original 1984 film.

 Oh, yeah, there was an original, wasn't there?

After all, this film is not only a classic, but it is a damn good film. Pat Morita conveying an intriguing and ass-kicking mentor/father-figure, Ralph Macchio conveying just the right levels of awkward teenager to make us relate to the guy, and Elisabeth Shue conveying the right...well, what guy wouldn't have wanted to have her as their high school sweetheart? Meanwhile, we've got a typical 80's villain (hey, the formula worked; we all wanted to see Dan kick Johnny's ass), 80's music, 80's montages...it's an 80's film. And it is glorious.

 Do not attempt this game near large bodies of water.

Of course, all the 80's culture, the stuff that we in the 2000's mock and parody, makes for some pretty good drinking material. So grab yourself some alcohol and get drinking.

Take a shot when:
- Someone is wearing a cut-off tee or awkwardly short shorts.
- There's a montage.
- You wish you had Pat Morita for a father-figure.
- And take a shot of sake or something strong whenever Dan drinks the sake. Just so you feel his same choking reaction.

Recommended Drink:
Well, you could always have some sake on hand, like what Dan and Mr. Miyagi drink. But frankly, anything will work. In fact, you might want to go with something lighter and just get buzzed, so that you don't miss the thrilling conclusion to this film.

Watching the film, I can frankly say that it was one of the most relateable films of all time. How could I not identify with the main character? After all, I'm ass-kicking, old and wise, and I'm teaching you all the secret arts of drinking game. I might as well change my name to Miyagi. In fact, I plan to. Right after clipping my Bonsai trees.

Updates will keep coming, but for now, I've got to jacket off...wait, that's the new one...I've got to wax off. See you!

"Man who catch fly with chopsticks can accomplish anything...like training the Million Dollar Baby! That be a much better film, hai!"

Plan 9 From Outer Space

My friends, tonight, in the future, you shall enjoy yet another drinking game. Eventually you will play this game, in the future, and it will affect your futures. My friends, I shall warn you; the testimony of we who have seen it, including me, shows that this film is stupid. Stupid stupid. And yet you shall watch it in the future, for that is when you do stuff not now. My friends, prepare to drink your way through "GRAVE ROBBERS PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE!"

 I think some people could honestly take shots at just the cover.

This film is the definition of craptastic. The only redeeming qualities in this movie are those qualities that equal suck. It is my understanding that Ed Wood's film is actually what Einstein's Theory of Relativity symbolizes. Don't believe me? See the math yourself:

And if you think that I just did atrocities to Physics...see the movie. I cannot spoil you on the pure...pain that the film's science will force you through.

And seeing the movie is, again, not too difficult. Hunt it down online, see if you can find an old DVD somewhere, or, if you have Netflix (I should really just sign a sponsorship deal with them, I endorse them so much), you can instantly stream it.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER HAAAAANDS?????

Now, this game is played a little differently than others. After all, there is so much crap worth drinking to, that any normal person would die of alcohol poisoning from drinking water to it. Thus, it is divided into different sections. Each person chooses a different section before playing, and then drinks accordingly.

NARRATOR:
Drink every time that he informs us of something that either is redundant or completely ignores the "show, don't tell" rule of writing.
Recommended for: Anyone who wants to be drunk right at the start.

SPECIAL EFFECTS:
Drink every time that the spaceship goes flying through the sky. And ONLY the sky. That is enough. If you want to drink double, every time that it shows the spaceship in general. Also, take a double any time that the string holding the ship up is really, really obvious.
Recommended for: Someone who likes alcohol.

HUMANS R DUMM:
Drink every time that the aliens call humans "idiots," "morons," "stupid," or any other synonym. And if, say, they use the same word three times in a row...that's three shots.
Recommended for: All of you...IDIOTS!!!!!!!! who want to start drinking a little later in the show.

TECH-NO-LOGIC-Y
Drink every time that someone mentions some sort of gizmo or other. Electrode, Dictorobitery, or, my personal favorite, the Decomposure Beam.
Recommended for: Another late gamer. Not a designated driver.

DAYNIGHT
Drink every time that it switches between day and night in a scene.
Recommended for: No one. You will die.

That's all for tonight. Prepare to be wowed by the pure majesty of Ed Wood. As for me, I must be off, but I will write up a new post...in the future!

I don't think we'll see them again, but there could be others like them....