The Karate Kid

The remake of "The Karate Kid" hits theaters today. And unfortunately, you're not allowed to bring alcohol into a movie theater. If you were, though, you could take a shot for every time that the new version is outdone by the original, or for every moment that the karate and fights look completely choreographed. Hell, you can just play it by watching the trailer, and you would still at least get buzzed.

Still, I'm always one for finding an excuse to rewatch a classic film, and so that is why I recommend watching the original 1984 film.

 Oh, yeah, there was an original, wasn't there?

After all, this film is not only a classic, but it is a damn good film. Pat Morita conveying an intriguing and ass-kicking mentor/father-figure, Ralph Macchio conveying just the right levels of awkward teenager to make us relate to the guy, and Elisabeth Shue conveying the right...well, what guy wouldn't have wanted to have her as their high school sweetheart? Meanwhile, we've got a typical 80's villain (hey, the formula worked; we all wanted to see Dan kick Johnny's ass), 80's music, 80's montages...it's an 80's film. And it is glorious.

 Do not attempt this game near large bodies of water.

Of course, all the 80's culture, the stuff that we in the 2000's mock and parody, makes for some pretty good drinking material. So grab yourself some alcohol and get drinking.

Take a shot when:
- Someone is wearing a cut-off tee or awkwardly short shorts.
- There's a montage.
- You wish you had Pat Morita for a father-figure.
- And take a shot of sake or something strong whenever Dan drinks the sake. Just so you feel his same choking reaction.

Recommended Drink:
Well, you could always have some sake on hand, like what Dan and Mr. Miyagi drink. But frankly, anything will work. In fact, you might want to go with something lighter and just get buzzed, so that you don't miss the thrilling conclusion to this film.

Watching the film, I can frankly say that it was one of the most relateable films of all time. How could I not identify with the main character? After all, I'm ass-kicking, old and wise, and I'm teaching you all the secret arts of drinking game. I might as well change my name to Miyagi. In fact, I plan to. Right after clipping my Bonsai trees.

Updates will keep coming, but for now, I've got to jacket off...wait, that's the new one...I've got to wax off. See you!

"Man who catch fly with chopsticks can accomplish anything...like training the Million Dollar Baby! That be a much better film, hai!"

Plan 9 From Outer Space

My friends, tonight, in the future, you shall enjoy yet another drinking game. Eventually you will play this game, in the future, and it will affect your futures. My friends, I shall warn you; the testimony of we who have seen it, including me, shows that this film is stupid. Stupid stupid. And yet you shall watch it in the future, for that is when you do stuff not now. My friends, prepare to drink your way through "GRAVE ROBBERS PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE!"

 I think some people could honestly take shots at just the cover.

This film is the definition of craptastic. The only redeeming qualities in this movie are those qualities that equal suck. It is my understanding that Ed Wood's film is actually what Einstein's Theory of Relativity symbolizes. Don't believe me? See the math yourself:

And if you think that I just did atrocities to Physics...see the movie. I cannot spoil you on the pure...pain that the film's science will force you through.

And seeing the movie is, again, not too difficult. Hunt it down online, see if you can find an old DVD somewhere, or, if you have Netflix (I should really just sign a sponsorship deal with them, I endorse them so much), you can instantly stream it.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER HAAAAANDS?????

Now, this game is played a little differently than others. After all, there is so much crap worth drinking to, that any normal person would die of alcohol poisoning from drinking water to it. Thus, it is divided into different sections. Each person chooses a different section before playing, and then drinks accordingly.

NARRATOR:
Drink every time that he informs us of something that either is redundant or completely ignores the "show, don't tell" rule of writing.
Recommended for: Anyone who wants to be drunk right at the start.

SPECIAL EFFECTS:
Drink every time that the spaceship goes flying through the sky. And ONLY the sky. That is enough. If you want to drink double, every time that it shows the spaceship in general. Also, take a double any time that the string holding the ship up is really, really obvious.
Recommended for: Someone who likes alcohol.

HUMANS R DUMM:
Drink every time that the aliens call humans "idiots," "morons," "stupid," or any other synonym. And if, say, they use the same word three times in a row...that's three shots.
Recommended for: All of you...IDIOTS!!!!!!!! who want to start drinking a little later in the show.

TECH-NO-LOGIC-Y
Drink every time that someone mentions some sort of gizmo or other. Electrode, Dictorobitery, or, my personal favorite, the Decomposure Beam.
Recommended for: Another late gamer. Not a designated driver.

DAYNIGHT
Drink every time that it switches between day and night in a scene.
Recommended for: No one. You will die.

That's all for tonight. Prepare to be wowed by the pure majesty of Ed Wood. As for me, I must be off, but I will write up a new post...in the future!

I don't think we'll see them again, but there could be others like them....

The Super Mario Bros. Movie/Super Mario Bros. Super Show

Super Mario Galaxy 2, the latest entry in Nintendo's Mario franchise, hit shelves this week, to rave reviews! Drinks all around!

Now, it's time to remind everyone of some low points in the Mario franchise: the movie and the TV series. Drinks...all...around...

 You moronic mustachioed mooks...

The first of these was the 1989 TV show, the "Super Mario Bros Super Show." Captilalizing on the love of the Mario games, this show no doubt was loved by kids, but hated by adults. Frankly, it is bad. It is very very bad. The show starts off with a live-action segment (which is bad), segways into a animation segment (which is also bad...the animation can be decent at times for a 1989 show, but it's usually pretty bad), and then finishes off the live-action section (again, bad). In fact, the only truly enjoyable part of the show is the end credits, both because it shows you that your torment is over. Also, the song that plays ("Do the Mario") is actually somewhat catchy. It's at least a good deal better than the opening song which is...oh, I don't want to spoil it. You'll have to watch it yourself, a feat that is frankly, pretty easy. Not only are the DVDs around, but if you have access to Netflix, you can instantly stream it.

In order to make the show enjoyable, alcohol is recommended.

Take a Shot Whenever:
--There is something sterotypically Italian. This includes any mention of pasta or pizza, making puns with Italian words, or Mario just loving being lazy. Merely taking a shot at any mention of pasta would probably be enough.
--Every time that some one uses an insult that has both words start with the same sound (an alliterative affront, if you will). Examples: Crazy Koopa, Miserable Mushroomheads, Pathetic Pasta-lovers (take two on that one), Stupid Stupid Stupid Supposedly Super Show...you get it.

In the end, though, this show can be enjoyable on the right levels of drink. Just avoid Episode 4, though. It's...it's just...that one is no good.

If you'd rather spread out your drinking though, you can always brave the "Super Mario Bros" movie from 1993.

...Good luck.

 Just looking at this, you know something's wrong...

The movie is crap. It is utter crap. Like as a kid, I would probably have enjoyed the "Super Show," simply because it at least resembled the games. This movie...it has literally no similarities with the game. And it is bad. It is just oh so bad. Like, "Office" season finale levels of bad. This movie should be the final boss in the next Mario game. It should be run repeatedly for high-level criminals as an alternative to the death penalty (they might take the latter). Bob Hoskins and John Leguizimo (Mario and Luigi, respectively) are probably still recovering from this movie. This is probably what gave Dennis Hopper (King Koopa) the ca...the...the pros...never mind. Too soon....

Anyway, good luck enjoying the movie. I was told that a gang of drunk college kids watched it, and they still hated what was happening. But, if you think that you can take it, go ahead.

Take a Shot When:
--You feel like it.
or
--When someone yells at a fungus.
--When something is not at all like the games (Goombas are...towering, tiny-headed, reptile thingies...???)
--When the Bob-omb shows up...'cause everyone loves that Bob-omb.

Enjoy! And please be safe. And until next time, "DO THE MARIO!!!"

Take one step, and then again...

Terminator

Alright, so two weeks ago (yes, I know, I'm supposed to have a new post every week...I was just busy, and...if you keep criticizing...I swear, I will leave you!), I posted a non-too-flattering review/drinking-game for James Cameron's Avatar. Later, after perhaps indulging in the game myself, I went on a drunken tirade against Cameron, and, in my intoxication, stated that I would stop him from ever creating this film, which threatens to doom all future film-making.
Fortunately, I found the capability to do so in an old abandoned warehouse that happened to be behind my apartment. Yes, folks, I discovered a time-machine.
Utilizing its power, I warped back in time to prevent James Cameron's mother from ever giving birth to him. Unfortunately, one of those creepy dorks who have decided to worship the Na'Vi and Eywa and Yoda and all that came back in time as well, with the intent to stop me. Even more unfortunately, he managed to stop me. I managed to escape back to my own time, with my life.
The downside to the adventure is that movie-making could still be doomed. The upside is that Mrs. Cameron told her son James about the story, and it gave him a pretty good story idea, which he would later turn into a movie: the 1984 classic, Terminator. Even better, that movie also lends itself to some pretty awesome drinking.

 Ah'm gonna take a shot...lollerskates!

In case you don't know (and I pity you), The Terminator is commonly renowned as one of the greatest films of all time. Mind-bending and kick-ass, it's the iconic Ahnold Schwarzenahgger movie. It's basically the Governator and Michael Biehn blasting the shit out of each other for a good, long movie. And you get to see Linda Hamilton naked. Good times.
The plot is also a sci-fi dream. Robots of the future, ruling our kind, send back the most dangerous cyborg possible (Schwarzenegger) to eliminate Sarah Connor (Hamilton), so that she will not give birth to her son, the future savior of humanity. Fortunately, the humans send back their own agent (Biehn) to stop the Terminator and save Sarah. Pure awesome.
With the constant action and amazing 80's feel (the Technoir...yeah, I go to those when I want to get down), it is just so open for drinking. Enjoy!

 Not if I take it first!

Drink whenever:-Ahnold says something
-Someone steals a car. Take a small shot when someone steals a motorbike. Take two if someone takes a semi.
-Every gun that someone goes through. They go through a lot.

Recommended drink:
Either go along with Ahnold's transformation (take something clear like Vodka and segway to something red, like a Cran-Citron, after he gets the iconic Terminator eye). Or you could make what is called the Terminator (Jagermeister and Southern Comfort).

Enjoy, and stick around for next week. I'll be...returning.

Be careful when drinking...you can't take as much as a cyborg.

James Cameron's Avatar

Sorry about the late update, college has been hitting me hard with finals. This does, however, lead to a lot more drinking, and that means a lot more stuff that belongs here.

In honor of its recent DVD/Blu-ray release, and the millions of environmentalists/special-effects-geeks/people-who-like-the-fact-that-it-has-an-environmental-message who will buy it, I present to you the James Cameron's Avatar drinking game.

 Haha, BLUE-ray...durrrrrrrrr....

For those of you unfamiliar, Avatar is the latest James Cameron film, and is a huge hit. It tells the story of how this really, really lucky bastard named Jake manages to save the world. Up until this point, it's like my autobiography. The part where it diverges a little is the fact that the world Jake saves is not Earth, but rather a perfect utopia being ravaged by the evil humans. The story also diverges from mine in that it got a whole lot of viewers (bringing in over 2.7 billion dollars), whereas I can really only get my girlfriend to read my blog. It's a good thing that it made so much money, though; the environmentalist, anti-corporate message was what brought people in, and, in tribute to that, Fox Studios decided to send all of the budget to preserving the rainforest. They even commissioned a sequel (and maybe a threequel?), so that they can save all the executives, er, rainforests.

In case you can't tell, I wasn't as thrilled with the film as most people. I found the effects to be absolutely stunning, but that was it. The story moved along at a pretty depressing pace, and the morals and messages just felt like James Cameron was dropping parallels and metaphors that really didn't apply ("shock and awe," indeed...). It was rather enjoyable, I'll give it that. The action scenes were pretty epic and the acting was pretty solid (especially considering the pure cheesiness of many of the lines; I still can't believe that Sigourney Weaver didn't burst out laughing when talking about how "the trees are their treasure" or whatever). But the film really was nothing too great; in a couple years, when all effects look that good, the film will be nothing terribly special.

Still, the film opens itself up for drinking, and that's what makes a movie truly great.

 If you can't get it up to this, it's just the alcohol...or just that...yeah, she's kind of...seriously, who is actually jerking off to this? Come on, people.

DRINK WHENEVER:
-Jake disobeys orders. This includes touching things in the forest (which they told him not to), getting up and running with his Avatar body before he's supposed to (in the real world, where things actually go wrong for people, he would have broken it), and any time that he could have talked to the Na'Vi and seen if they would let the humans get at the Unobtanium (which was the whole point of Jake's MISSION!!!)
-Any time the movie is similar to Dances With Wolves or Disney's Pocahontas.
-Any time that the movie drops a line about how the trees need to be saved, or that corporations are evil, or anything like that.

RECOMMENDED DRINKS:
Make a blue mixer of some sort. Although, no matter what I recommend, if something is labeled with the name "James Cameron," you're going to buy it. That's just how it works.

Jake and Neytiri...taking a shot!!!

New Family Guy

A bit of a late post this week, mainly due to just plain forgetting. It's approaching finals week, which means all the more reason to play one of these games. Fortunately, getting the post out late really doesn't matter, as this is a drinking game for Sunday night. Specifically at 9:00 PM, EST, on Fox.

Yes, it is time to actually make the new episodes of Family Guy enjoyable.

 Sounds like a solid plan to me!

Don't get me wrong, Family Guy used to be a good show. It was enjoyable, it was fresh. These days, though, the show has just sunk into the same-old, tedious, predictable cesspool of boring that is what happens when Seth MacFarlene thinks that something is funny and it just plain isn't.

Fortunately, predictability is something that drinking games are formed on, and so this makes for a damn good game.

I vote for change. Change back to the standards the show used to have.

Drink when:
-Someone breaks into song. For every 30 seconds that that song goes on, take another shot. If, at the end of that song, you found that you did not laugh once, take another shot.
-The show uses clearly recycled animation or live-action. For every 30 seconds that this sequence goes on, take another shot.
-Take a shot if Conway Twitty shows up.
-Take a shot if Herbert the Pedophile shows up.
-Take a shot when there is some sort of liberal rant or propaganda. Take two if Brian is delivering it.'
-Take a shot when they make a "Stewie is gay" joke.

With the standard episode nowadays, you will have taken about15 shots in the matter of a half-hour. Note: This is a bad idea. Still, if someone got hurt, perhaps the blame could go to the show for sucking so badly. Maybe then it would convince them to cancel the show, and attempt to move onto something more innovative and fresh. Like The Cleveland Show. A totally different take on the Family Guy concepts. Unlike Family Guy, it features a fat dad, a talking and uber-intelligent baby, talking animals, and random cut-away gags...oh...well, at least all there's are black. Different in every way.

Recommended Drink: Something strong. Or beer. So you don't die.

If any of your friends start to look like this guy, feel free to punch them.

The Lord of the Rings

The Lord of the Rings comes out on Blu-ray today! The complete epic series! All over 9,000 hours of footage! In High Definition!

 Because drinking isn't actually making you drunk, unless it's in Hi-Def.

For some of us, this means nothing. Because some of us don't have the money to get Blu-ray players. But some of those people have roommates with PS3's. But should those roommates leave, the PS3 leaves too. Unless the roommate is dead...hmm...

But enough about people who are definitely not me, and their non-HD life! It's time to drink with all the folks of Middle-Earth!

 Even the poster has a sprawling scenery shot...just look at that lower left.

There are many rules that can be added to this movie to make it more enjoyable (because everything's better with alcohol). Pick and choose, though.

Drink every time that:
-Someone puts on the ring.
-Sam says "Frodo" or "Master Frodo!"
-There is a sweeping shot of New Zealand...two shots if there's a castle in the shot.
-Gollum says "My precious."
-Gimli says something comic-relief-esque, or clearly intended to be.
-Legolas does something bordering on the absurd (not running out of arrows at certain moments counts).
-Aragorn teases Eowyn. As in acting so much like he wants to be in her dress, but really doesn't all along. (Can you blame the girl for being confused?)
-and finally, my personal favorite, every time that Gandalf yells at/hits/scolds/insults/degrades/beats somebody.

Enjoy drinking! Although if the trip to the liquor store is miles and miles through mountains, mines, and other perils...maybe you should just ask your neighbors if they'll lend you any vodka.

Recommended drink: Miruvor

One drink to intoxicate them all, one drink to...shomthing er uther....